When you least expect it: The dreaded "Dead Fish"

I walked into an office recently for a professional meeting. I met the receptionist, smiled, extended my hand to introduce myself and asked her name. I was, of course, expecting the standard, polite handshake in return.

Instead, there it was. I received the introduction killer.

The Dead Fish Handshake.

Surely you've experienced it. Hopefully, it was not at the end of your outstretched arm.

You extend your hand and instead of receiving another human hand, you encounter what feels like four fingers that have recently escaped from a bowl of warm Jell-O.

No grip. No energy. No commitment whatsoever.

Just... flop.

Ewww.

It is the handshake equivalent of somebody throwing a wet towel at you.

Yes, I know what you're thinking: Ed, it's a handshake. Relax.

No. I'm going to respectfully disagree, because first impressions matter.

Research has shown that people can form trait impressions from a face after an exposure of only about 100 milliseconds. Those impressions aren't necessarily accurate assessments of the person's actual character, but they happen, and additional exposure can increase confidence in the initial judgment.

That's important, because you're not walking into an introduction with a blank sheet of paper. You're walking into somebody else's first impression, and you're helping them write it.

Naturally, your clothes are saying something, perhaps even screaming. Your grooming, posture, facial expressions and voice are all saying something to create a complete picture and opinion.

And yes, your handshake is saying something. In some cases, it's the last thing in the introduction and the first thing people remember.

A 2000 study of 112 participants found that handshake characteristics were relatively stable and that firmer handshakes were associated with greater extroversion, emotional expressiveness, lower shyness and neuroticism. The researchers also found that handshake characteristics, including strength, vigor, duration, completeness of grip and eye contact, were related to more favorable first impressions.

That doesn't mean someone gives you a weak handshake and you can immediately diagnose their personality. But it means the signal exists, and people notice signals.

The popular vocabulary for bad handshakes is actually fairly entertaining and exceptionally descriptive.

There's the Limp Fish. The Dead Fish. The Bone Crusher. The Pumper. The Sweaty McSweaterson. OK, maybe that last one is way too ancient to consider anymore.

There's also the fingertip grab, where somebody offers approximately 14 percent of their hand and expects you to build a relationship around it.

Those labels aren't scientific classifications, but they're common enough that even professional etiquette and educational materials use terms such as “limp fish” and “bone crusher.”

Here's the rule: Firm. Not crushing. Complete grip. Brief. Natural.

Most important, look at the person when doing it. Don't look away, and don't stray from that telling moment.

Research on actual greetings has found that mutual gaze precedes the handshake in natural interactions, and experimentally delaying eye contact until after the hand is extended made people slower to accept the handshake.

So when you walk up to someone, don't stare at your shoes, mumble your name and then throw out a hand that feels like it has been soaking overnight in the Atlantic.

Look up. Smile when appropriate. Introduce yourself. Make genuine eye contact.

Shake. Release.Done.

And for heaven's sake, clip those fingernails. I don't care if you're the next Einstein. If your fingernails look like you're preparing to excavate the Panama Canal with your bare hands, nobody needs that surprise during introductions.

That isn't science. It's just civilization.

The same principle applies to clothing and posture. Research has found that clothing and posture can influence judgments of confidence, professionalism, approachability and competence.

So let's get to my other handshake pet peeve, one that greatly speaks to hat's going on in someone's mind in that moment.

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The two-handed handshake. You shake with one hand and then suddenly your other hand lands on top.

Congratulations! You have transformed a greeting into a tiny diplomatic summit, ne that you're already on the losing end.

There is a popular Western interpretation that the second hand can feel overly familiar or controlling. But here's where we need to be careful.

There is not strong scientific evidence allowing us to declare that every two-handed handshake means, “I am dominating you" because culture matters enormously.

In Vietnam, for example, a two-handed handshake can be used as a sign of respect, particularly toward someone older or of higher status. In other contexts, the same gesture may communicate warmth, intimacy or familiarity.

But in a standard American first meeting with a stranger? Let's keep both hands where they belong. Unless you're shaking hands with the President of France and suddenly find yourself in a bizarre geopolitical wrestling match.

The goal isn't to dominate. It is not to overpower or to demonstrate that your handshake has the structural integrity of a hydraulic press.

The goal is connection.

First impressions are not everything, but they are important to your image.

Every introduction is another opportunity to tell people who you are before you ever get around to telling them what you do.

So here's today's Control The Narrative™ lesson: Don't make your first impression something you have to overcome.

Walk in prepared and confident. Look directly at the person. Smile. Speak clearly.

Shake their hand like you actually want to meet them. Firmly. Briefly. Respectfully.

Oh, and if you absolutely insist on giving me the Dead Fish...at least bring tartar sauce.

Control the narrative.

And please—revive the handshake.